Replacing Defensiveness with Curiosity
Your Brain Decided Before You Did
Someone gives you feedback in a meeting. Maybe it is your division chief. Maybe it is a peer reviewer. Before you even process the words, your body has already decided. Jaw tightens. Shoulders rise. A counterargument starts forming like a reflex.
That is defensiveness. And for physicians, replacing defensiveness with curiosity might be the single most important shift you can make — not just for coaching, but for your entire career.
Why Defensiveness Makes Sense (and Still Costs You)
Your defensiveness is not irrational. Medical training taught you that being wrong has real consequences. Your nervous system learned to treat any challenge to your competence as a threat worth fighting.
The problem is that this protective reflex does not distinguish between a clinical error and a piece of career feedback. It fires the same way whether someone questions your diagnosis or suggests you could run your lab meetings differently. And when it fires, it shuts down the one thing that would actually help you: the ability to learn.
Neuroscientist Dan Siegel describes this as "flipping your lid." When the amygdala takes over, the prefrontal cortex goes offline. You are literally less capable of reflection in that moment. Not because of any personal failing. Because of biology.
The Curiosity Switch
The antidote is not willpower. You cannot just decide to stop being defensive. But you can train a different response to take its place.
I call it the curiosity switch. It is a simple reframe that you practice until it becomes your default. When you feel the defensive reaction rising, you shift from "How do I counter this?" to "What can I learn from this?"
That is it. One question. But it changes everything.
Psychologist Adam Grant makes this case in Think Again. He argues that the most effective learners approach feedback with the mindset of a scientist rather than a prosecutor. A prosecutor builds a case. A scientist tests a hypothesis. When you flip the curiosity switch, you stop prosecuting the person giving you feedback and start investigating whether their observation holds useful data.
A Three-Step Practice
Knowing the concept is not enough. You need a repeatable practice. Here is the one I use with the physicians I coach.
Step one: Name the reaction. When you feel defensiveness rising, label it internally. "I'm getting defensive right now." That act of naming creates a gap between the stimulus and your response. Research from UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman shows that putting feelings into words reduces amygdala activation. You calm the threat response by naming it.
Step two: Ask one genuine question. Not a rhetorical question designed to poke holes. A real one. "Can you give me an example?" or "What would it look like if I did this differently?" The question buys you time and signals that you are actually listening. Both change the dynamic of the conversation.
Step three: Write it down later. After the conversation, take two minutes to jot down what was said and what might be true in it. Defensiveness is a real-time problem, but curiosity does its best work in the quiet afterward.
What This Looks Like in the Wild
A physician I worked with had a pattern of shutting down whenever his chair gave him feedback. He would nod, say "I appreciate that," and then privately dismiss whatever was said.
We started practicing the curiosity switch. The next time his chair brought up an issue with how he was mentoring junior faculty, instead of his polite-but-closed routine, he asked: "What are you seeing that I might be missing?"
His chair paused. Then she gave him the most specific, useful feedback he had received in five years. Not because the feedback was new. Because he finally made space for it.
Think of it like a quarterback who has been scrambling on every play. The instinct to run is strong. But sometimes the best move is to stay in the pocket, trust your reads, and let the play develop. That extra beat of patience changes the outcome.
It Gets Easier. Then It Changes You.
The first few times you try this, it will feel forced. That is normal. You are not trying to eliminate the defensive impulse. You are building a new habit that runs alongside it.
Over time, the curiosity starts to feel genuine. You notice that feedback — even poorly delivered feedback — almost always contains something worth examining. And the people around you respond differently when they see you leaning in instead of bracing.
That is what it looks like to become more coachable. Not a personality transplant. Just a practiced willingness to get curious before you get defensive.
If you'd like to learn more, contact us to schedule a time to chat.
